my salad days

I can think of several people who I used to consider pretty good/close
friends that have stopped talking to me (stopped giving a shit?) the
second they start dating someone. Why is that? I may be the very
definition of a fair weather friend--good (how is this even possible,
I'm very grouchy) to talk to when you are bored with nothing to do and
okay to hang out with but heaven forbid anyone keep me around for much
longer than a few months. I've been questioning a lot of things on
the friends front for the past few days, weeks, months, and things
aren't looking bright at all.

I don't know if it's exactly depressing though, and that in itself is
kind of pathetic and sad. I am becoming more of a hermit and spend
most of my days indoors for whatever reasons. All I do is watch
movies and sleep and not much else in between. I think I'm hitting a
rut for sure, where I'm reverting back to my 18 year old (and earlier)
self in my indecisiveness and stubbornness. I've had more thoughts
about giving up or running away, or both, in the past three months
than I've ever had in my life which is unnerving but not as much as my
apathy towards everything, especially myself? I think it might be the
lack of sleep but maybe my tongue is getting looser.

I can't help but feel like I'm one of those novelty friends or people
you keep around for no other reason than I'm pretty needy and it isn't
hard for someone to get me to become attached to them. But for once I
kind of wish people took what I said seriously or I was colder and
more cruel so that even if they didn't give a shit I wouldn't care
either.

Also, I don't know if I'll be updating this blog much anymore.

Not a lot of photos... I felt lazy uploading both on FB and posterous.
I have been neglecting this blog and almost want to make a new one?
I really need to stop making so many blogs. Sometimes I can't even
keep up with how many I have.

Anyway, I'm one week into my break! I'm very happy because I got my
grades back and although I didn't do great in one of my classes I got
A's in my other two. I survived in the end! Now I just have to fight
fight fight and draw more. Easier said than done.

My friends are back from school except for Alison who still has until
Saturday. I need to hustle and finish my Christmas cards and also
make my Secret Santa gift. I'm going to be lazy and draw something.
My nails are really a mess right now too all broken and uneven and in
general really disgusting. I'm either going to try to salvage them
and wait for them to grow out properly again and take better care of
them or get them done... But I'm kind of wanting to save up for other
things so maybe I'll just let them be and live with it. Really want a
nice manicure though.

Grad show was last week and it was fabulousss. Lots of really good
people graduating this term. I got some of Janet Kim's business cards
(jandruff.mechafetus.com) she is soooo fabulous! I really loved her
works (oil paint on mirrors and her portfolio book was really nice as
well.) Amazing... really makes me think about what I should do when I
graduate. I want to be just as good if not better! I'd like to be
proud of my work for once and be able to display it in a really nicely
thought out way. It was pretty inspiring.

I've been going out quite a bit as well as lazing around at home. I
went with Angie to buy some cosmetics and face masks/face scrubs the
other day and we ended up eating at Johnny Rocket's, then browsing
Target/random stores. The next day I went to pho with Christina,
Christine, and Sharon, ate too much and then went to the mall where I
finally got my Mac #7 eyelashes! I've been really obsessed with
Kumicky lately and although I could never hope to achieve even an
ounce of her cuteness I love her style... want more eyelashes! I lost
one side of the only pair of bottom lashes I have... pathetic, I know.
LOL Today I went out again with Sharon to get more face washes and
candy and chips and eyelid tapes. I really like Lipton Royal Milk
Tea. Then we went to Korean BBQ with Christine and karaoke for a bit.
I'm so tired now even though it's early.

(These pictures really suck.  Need to fix my camera's macro settings)

           

Click here to download:

All_I_wanna_do.zip (1101 KB)

Pictures from yesterday... not much to explain.

                       

Click here to download:

I_didnt_even_know_id_been_hit_.zip (2846 KB)

The pictures kind of built up over the last week or so. My sister
brought us cupcakes from this cafe/bakery called Teacake (I think) and
we slowly ate them over the course of the week since we had pumpkin
pie as well. I'm sad that the pie is gone and the cupcakes are gone,
too. The day after Thanksgiving I went to celebrate Christina's
birthday with my friends. I was really tired but it was nice. We
went to see Rooney at El Rey. I haven't listened to Rooney since I
was 14/15 but Angie had gotten me their CD for my birthday (I'll never
forget when I asked her if it was because I liked them and she replied
that it was because I probably liked them and she didn't like them...
what the hell?! LOL) It was pretty good and I was surprised that more
than half of their setlist was their old songs. The first opening
band was whatever I can't remember what they were called (I thought
they were good at first but I got really tired of them) and the second
was Tally Hall--they were really cute and I liked their music.

UM Anyway, I think the last photo is from today when I had lunch.
Nothing to eat in the house but I found some instant yakisoba.

Also fought long and hard with my parents today. Don't want to get
into what it was about (it's really bad and I'm embarrassed but not
without reason) but my throat hurt so bad from screaming and cried a
lot during the fight and after when I was thinking about it. I even
threw my cell phone at my table and then picked it up and threw it at
the piano and threatened to kill myself. I fell asleep and when I
woke up I felt so dead and I was telling my friend about my problems
in detail and kept on crying again. This won't do... I feel like I'm
at the end of my rope and everyone would be better if I was just gone.
SIGH. I'm tired of this feeling but I guess it's better to just say
it instead of thinking about it over and over.

I should sleep so I can wake up tomorrow but I feel so nervous... anxious, scared.  I don't really like to sleep.  I have to talk to Amy tomorrow and beg her for my class, go get lunch with Eastwood and Denny, buy nail polish remover.  Hopefully all this gets resolved soon so I don't cry anymore.

                       

Click here to download:

Growing_pains.zip (2459 KB)

This is what I'm thankful for! My parents for putting up with my
constant mood swings and bitching, supporting me through school and
sending me weird forwarded emails. My sister for constantly sending
me links of food stuffs and videos and never looking at mine (at the
same time requesting music), my friends for their appreciation of my
bad stories and cursing, my friends online for putting up with pretty
much the same, and most of all I'm thankful for all the opportunities
I've been given and the many people who have had faith in me and my
ability over this past year. Thank you thank you thank you.

I don't know what's up with me these days. I realize I put things off
because I'm scared of what will happen when I finish them, which
really doesn't make sense at all. I like finishing things, doing
them, and finally saying, okay, this is done. It's pretty rare for me
to think something is done. I'm pretty insecure, I guess--I always
have a sort of side note so that people don't think that I think I'm
too good or anything, like, "don't worry, I'm still working on it..."

It's a little crazy to think this way, I suppose. It scares me to
finish things and it scares me when people say that I can do anything
I want or I can do anything I could possibly dream of. I don't know
why I'm so scared. I wish I was more ambitious but I think I'm just
this scared little person who doesn't know much and just wants to stay
safe and childlike. The grown up world excites me but I'm scared of
getting burned.

Also, I keep on writing down all the things I'm thinking and feeling
but it doesn't make me feel any better. I thought that maybe one day
I could go and write everything on a piece of paper and cast it out to
sea like they do in books. Someone far away will find it and maybe
they'll feel the exact same way and keep my letter to nobody for
forever and wonder who I am. Maybe that person will be my soul mate.
Or it could go the complete opposite direction--someone will find it
and it just so happens this person is walking with their friends.
They'll laugh at my words and wonder who on earth could be so pathetic
and old fashioned to write a message in a bottle. And they'll leave
my words to crumble on the beach and become part of the sand that
anyone who is lonely will sit on, gazing out at the dark ocean and
dark sky.

I've been eating too much of what I like lately and now I am feeling the consequences!  My whole body is tired/sluggish/bloated/overall really disgusting.  I was going to go to my Christina's birthday kickback today but at the last minute decided not to.  There were a lot of reasons but basically Angie was feeling sick and decided not to go and I was going to carpool with Alison but we kind of didn't want to go if it was just the two of us and we didn't know anyone there and would be pegged as Christina's weird art school friends.

           

Click here to download:

I_go_deep.zip (1102 KB)

I don't have many new pictures other than food pictures... HAHA very typical, I think.

               

Click here to download:

Eat_eat_eat.zip (1310 KB)

I've been spending the past few days indoors, so these pictures are kind of boring.  I was thinking about getting new lenses and that kind of turned into me playing around with eye make and also I wanted to try this new eyelash glue that I got a few weeks ago.  It seems alright... it dries clear/dark (not sure) even though it's white, so that's really weird... I think I have to test it more but it doesn't seem to irritate my eyes like duo glue.  Yea, boring post.  I was bored.

       

Click here to download:

Nobody_hits_me_over_the_head_w.zip (552 KB)

I had a really nice conversation with my parents over dinner today.  It's pretty unusual for that to happen because we don't really talk over dinner (the times when they talk is when my aunt and uncle are visiting and they talk amongst themselves in Taiwanese and I can't understand so I usually eat fast and leave the table.)